Journal
You should TOTALLY plan your own memorial.
Yes, you really should plan your own memorial.
Why should you? How do you even start?
It removes the burden of planning from your loved ones’ shoulders.
You can insert your own personality into the ceremony.
You can make sure you set up nice things for your loved ones.
You can share your wishes and get peace of mind knowing it is taken care of.
Let’s get right to it and talk about what all these things mean.
Removing the Burden on Loved Ones
Planning is hard when you’re grieving.
Real talk. I’ve experienced some crappy funeral planning. For one, the door in the meeting with the funeral director had to be locked and authorities called because someone was banging on the door insisting the plans be different. Things can get weird really quickly when your plans aren’t laid out clearly. Don’t leave your loved ones vulnerable to drama.
It’s really easy to say that the memorial is for them so they can decide what they want to do, but when there are several people who love you and want to be part of the planning are grieving, disagreements can turn into bigger deals than they should be. Just trust me on this one. You want to help out your loved ones in this way. You really do.
Decide how you want your body disposed of: burial, cremation, or something else, and make arrangements for it.
So, nowadays, depending on where you live and your financial means, there are loads of different options for your body after you’ve died. While being restricted in options based on your funds sucks, that’s where we’re at. Research the options in your area (and alternative options that your body can be transported to) and you can start setting aside money for it or make sure that your life insurance plan would cover the cost of your decision.
One option you may not already know you have is that you CAN have a natural, “green” burial — you can set up your own natural cemetery if you have the land (check your local laws — it’s actually pretty easy!) or you can try to find one within a few hours — they’re typically in beautiful places like groves in forests, or hills and prairies with beautiful views.
There are also options beyond the regular cremation like having your ashes processed into solids that look and feel like stones, or having your remains transformed into soil or into a pod to plant alongside a tree. Go exploring and see all your options!
Where do you want your memorial to be?
Many memorials take place in funeral homes, simply because it’s easier. But you can always choose whatever you want! It’s just a matter of what is available at the time. Decide ahead of time if you want your memorial to be at someone’s home, at a community center, at a restaurant or bar, or even at a public park, even a destination memorial? You could absolutely set aside money for your loved ones to go away for a weekend to a destination of your choice and have them bring others in virtually for the formal memorial ceremony. So many options!
Who will be the faith leader or MC to manage the ceremony?
You may or may not want to have a traditional faith leader manage the flow of your ceremony — it’s up to you! You could have a friend do it, or hire someone professional from the community to manage the schedule of the ceremony. Either way, it’s helpful to designate someone to be the MC, host, or leader of the ceremony to make sure that everything gets done in appropriate times and the ceremony goes smoothly.
What pictures, objects, or videos do you want on display?
While, for me, it was a joy to go through my grandmother’s old albums to pick out pictures for her slideshow to be viewed on her funeral-home-created memorial page and on a TV at the memorial service, it still took up a ton of time and was awkward to manage between her children who all would be represented - everyone felt the need to give approval and look over things. For that experience, it wasn’t too bad, but I could see it being complicated for other families with more issues or strained relationships.
Additionally, setting aside things you want displayed at your memorial can mean marking pieces of artwork and choosing a particular photograph or headshot to be displayed for those in attendance. You can even choose to have a display of collected items that those in attendance can choose from to take home with them.
Make a list of people to contact.
This one is SUPER important. It can be devastating to find out a friend of yours died and you didn’t find out in time to contribute to the memorial or be in attendance at the ceremony. Make sure you have a list of names, emails, and phone numbers of the people you definitely want informed in the case of your death. You can even make a decision of who of your family or friends is comfortable making the calls not only to the rest of the family but also to the people on your list. Talk to your loved ones and they can choose this task for themselves instead of having it thrust on them.
Who will manage any potential virtual element if distance is a barrier?
So, this is a new one for most people. Distanced memorialization has become common with our current worldwide pandemic (Coronavirus in 2020) but it has always been an option for people living across the world who can’t leave to attend. Having an option for people who can’t physically attend is now more important than ever. The person you designate to manage this should be very good with technology and highly capable of sharing the information needed to those who will use it.
You can also designate a service to manage this for you, like an end-of-life doula, audio-video company, or even a virtual assistant.
Set aside funding for all the elements ahead of time.
You have several options for this. You can create a special savings account to put money into, and keep notes on how much you project each element of your ceremony to cost. Many people purchase life insurance policies that they project to cover not only their body services and their cremation/burial/funeral/memorial but also to cover the lost wages in time off and other expenses around recovering from loss. (These expenses may include additional self-care like a trip to recharge, additional therapy, and other things.)
Insert Your Personality
What kind of food do you want served?
Do you want typical party foods from a deli, or specifically your favorite meals? Do you want to make sure there are options for different dietary restrictions? If you want particular food served, make note of the recipes and talk with your loved ones to decide who will manage making it.
You can also decide who will be in charge of make sure the food is set up properly or pick up any supplies. Special coffee or tea? Certain drinks? A signature cocktail? You decide!
What kind of music do you want played or sung? Make a playlist!
It is common for people to want certain hymns or songs sung at their memorial. I’d say the most common is definitely “Amazing Grace”. Perhaps you want particular songs played during particular times of the service? Or a loop of different songs played along with a loop of your photo or video slideshow? Especially with shared playlists on Spotify, Apple Music, and other music platforms, it’s really easy to create a list of your favorite songs for your loved ones to remember you by and also to share a playlist of the songs you want played at your memorial. You can leave directions about when to play what in the notes of your playlist.
Do you want any specific poems or passages shared?
Along those same lines, many people want particular religious passages, poems, or excerpts from books read aloud at their memorial. You could also write your own message and choose the person to read it aloud. Talk to your loved ones and decide together who will read what passages. Allowing them to be part of the decision process is a great help to them, and a big comfort when it comes time for them to perform the reading during the ceremony.
Who will speak/give eulogies/share stories?
And beyond sharing pre-determined songs and passages, who do you trust to write their own speech or share about their time with you or about your life? This one is the biggest ask of these options. These moments can get particularly heavy and emotional for the speaker, depending on the person and your relationship. This is a wonderful conversation to have before the time comes — so you can know that the person sharing on your behalf will have your blessing.
Do Something Nice for Loved Ones
For donations, would you prefer flowers or plants?
I know flowers are REALLY common to donate and have delivered for funeral and memorial services. I get it, they’re beautiful. But think about it. They die. And then the family who took them home after the service gets to watch the flowers die to mark time passing since their loved one has died. I say NAHHHHH to flowers. Instead, you can (and I think you should) encourage people to purchase sustainable and easy-to-maintain plants. Lush greenery can be so beautiful and represent a celebration of life. In addition, those plants can go home with loved ones and they can take care of the plants for years in remembrance of you.
Plants that are easy to care for that I recommend:
Ivy
Pothos
Philodendron
Bamboo
Fiddle Leaf Fig
herbs, galore!
allll the succulents
ZZ (Zanzibar) Plant
“spider” plant
“snake” plant
Jade plant
Chinese evergreen
Parlor palm
Rubber Plant
Dumb Cane
Choose the funeral card design and content for guests to keep.
Funeral cards may SEEM too cheesy or traditional, but having these to keep from all my friends’ and family’s funerals has been really comforting. I can keep them in a special place and remember them fondly.
Funeral homes typically have religious images to place full size on the back, with a picture of you and a passage underneath on the other side.
So, for a basic funeral card, you need to pick the image for the back, the portrait of you, and the short passage you want included on the card. Your date of birth and your date of death with also be included on the card.
If you like you can also set aside the digital files yourself and make sure someone has access access to them so they can add the date of your death and get something custom printed.
My recommendation as to quantity is to get at least three times as many as you think you need. These funeral cards are things that people collect and I personally like to take a few, especially for people who were particularly special to me, so I can keep them in several places and have more in case they get lost. Always get more.
Choose a guestbook for people to write their names and leave notes & stories.
Funeral homes will typically provide a guestbook for your service, but if you aren’t holding your service there, you’ll need to get your own.
Guestbooks from memorial services are not only places for guests to write their names, but also a place to use as a sort of scrapbook for the event. In it, you can add the obituary, copies of the program, peoples speeches, pictures of the setup, and anything else special from the event.
Another good idea: Let people know in the invitation that they can bring written stories or pictures that they wanted added to the book, and that they must write their names on their submissions.
If you do have your own guestbook, make sure that guests write their email address, phone number, and mailing address along with their names - or some reliable way to communicate with them. Your loved ones hosting the event will want a way to send thank you notes to those in attendance, and having contact information for people who cared for you can give your grieving loved ones a list of people to call when they are missing you.
Share and Get Peace of Mind
Share this experience of planning with those close to you.
Whether you include them in the decision process or you let them know where your plans are for when the time comes, knowing that there IS a plan can give them peace of mind. They will thank you for giving them the gift of not wondering what it is you want, and for writing out the seemingly silly details of what to do. Confusion and disagreement can be particularly hard to deal with when you’re grieving. Give them this kindness of preparing ahead.
Keep your wishes written and in a safe place.
There are several ways to go about this.
You can create a shared document on several different platforms (Google Drive, Evernote, DropBox, even Apple Notes) so that any time you make a change, that change is also updated for anyone it is shared with.
You can create a special file on your computer with all the relevant documents and information — just make sure to back it up on a separate drive or email complete copies to someone you trust.
You can print out your plans and keep them your other important documents. But remember, my recommendation is to always have a backup or additional copy with someone you trust.
Just make sure it’s recorded in SOME way and dated!
This just covers the basics.
I know, it seems like a lot. It can be. But don’t let it overwhelm you. Planning this ceremony can be a beautiful process and a really, really kind gift for your loved ones after you’ve died.
I wish the people in my family who died already had pre-planned their services. Having those things decided and intentional would have made the whole experience much more special instead of our floating through numb and going through the motions with decision fatigue on top of grieving.
Will you be creating a plan for your own memorial? Head to my contact page or find me on social media and let me know! I would love to hear of any unique plans you have or what the experience of planning it has been like for you.
Take a minute to make contact.
What would you say to them, what would you want them to know if you knew you'd die soon?
Your mission today: call or text or message someone who has impacted your life positively and ask what they're up to, especially if you're out of touch. What would you say to them, what would you want them to know if you knew you'd die soon?
I don’t think I’ve personally experienced the sudden death of someone when I was in the middle of a fight with or anything, but I’ve definitely experienced what it feels like to have things left unsaid between myself and someone who has passed away. There are several people in my life, who have died, who made a great impression on me, who I wish I kept more in touch with, who I wish I had taken the time to share my honest feelings of admiration and gratitude for.
One person in particular was this guy named Ric.
He was a high school friend of my mom, living near Dallas with his family. My mom and he were friendly but didn’t stay too much in touch. That is, until they could passively like and comment in each others’ directions on Facebook. When I had a weekend self-development workshop in Dallas, I asked around who of my friends I could stay with instead of getting a hotel. My mom asked around, too, and Ric volunteered as they had plenty of space.
I drove out there and was welcomed warmly. The year was nearing Christmas and so their tree was up, and their front music room had been converted into a winter wonderland with a candlelit Christmas village complete with a looping model train. It was magical.
We spent some great time getting to know each other and he shared his favorite martini with me — which I’m now realizing is the influence on my own favorite martini, and even have it tattooed on my leg: it’s a Bombay Sapphire martini - a drop of dry vermouth swirled around the chilled glass and thrown out, the gin stirred vigorously with ice, and topped with a fresh lemon zest. Again, it’s magical.
We sipped martinis and he introduced me to my now favorite Christmas movie, The Family Stone. It’s an ensemble cast film, based on a play, that beautifully examines a complicated family and what it means to really care for others and choose to love and embrace ourselves and others, flaws and all. And ya know, I’m realizing after typing these things out how much MORE of an impact Ric had on me than I even previously thought.
You see, he was just… so.. genuine.
We became friends on Facebook leading up to my visit and he understood some of my interests enough to make me a special playlist, a CD of songs to listen to on my road trip back home. And let me tell you— that CD is flawless and so full of joy. I still keep it in my car for road trips, over a decade later.
Long story short, we had a great time and stayed in touch a little but I was still in college and he had a life, too, and we just went our separate ways. A familiar story of chance friends.
Then one day, Ric suddenly died of an aneurysm.
I wasn’t close enough with his family or anyone else in his life to warrant a six hour one-way drive for a three hour event. No one really knew how great our little friendship was and we never got a chance to expand on it. And sometimes that’s how it happens.
I panicked. I cried. I was enraged. I was full of regret. I was lost. I was confused.
I sent flowers. And cried and cried and cried.
His family was so lucky to have him. We all were.
And I wish I had given myself the opportunity to really share that sentiment with him and his family before he died.
So. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Tell people that you care, that you appreciate them.
I get it, sometimes we don’t know the impact someone leaves on us until we can look back. I don’t fault you for that. But be aware of the positive influences in your life and try to express your gratitude, your admiration, your wonder, and your awe with those people and opportunities. Trust me on this one.
Here’s a Spotify playlist of the tracks on the CD he made me. Enjoy :)