How to Plan for a Loved One’s Care Without Losing Yourself in the Process

Preparing Is an Act of Love—For Them and for You

Caregiving can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to consume your life. Whether you're stepping into the role of caring for an aging parent, a sick partner, or a disabled loved one, the emotional and practical weight of it all can feel crushing—especially if you weren’t prepared for it. If you’re like most people, you didn’t plan for this.

But here’s the truth: Caregiving is a natural part of life, and preparing for it is one of the greatest acts of love you can offer—not just to your loved one, but to yourself. Instead of trial by fire, let’s build a plan together—one that allows you to provide the care they need while still protecting your time, energy, and peace of mind.

The Reality of Future Caregiving: It’s Coming, Whether You’re Ready or Not

Most people don’t think about caregiving until they’re in the middle of it. It’s not typically part of their life plan. But whether it’s a slow progression or a sudden event, at some point, you may find yourself in the position of caring for someone you love.

When I stepped into caregiving support for my grandmother, I didn’t resist it—I accepted it. And while it gave me a profound sense of purpose, it also brought a tidal wave of emotions: love, exhaustion, gratitude, resentment, connection, and loneliness—often all at once.

If you’re facing caregiving, know this: Your emotions are valid. All of them. The highs, the lows, the contradictions. And you are not alone in feeling them.

But if I could go back and give myself one gift before I took on that role, it would be a plan.

Planning ahead wouldn’t have erased the challenges, but it would have made everything more manageable. It would have allowed me to step into caregiving with confidence instead of exhaustion, with intention instead of panic.

And that’s what I want for you.

Creating a Plan That Honors Both of You

If you’re facing—or even just anticipating—a caregiving role, the best thing you can do is prepare now, while you’re clear-headed, before a crisis forces your hand.

Start with these essential steps:

✅ Understand medical and daily care needs.

• Learn about mobility limitations, infection control, bedsores, and toileting needs before you’re in the thick of it.

• Educate yourself on the realities of long-term care so you're not scrambling when the time comes.

✅ Have the hard conversations.

• Ask your loved ones where their important documents are, what their preferences are, and who they trust to make decisions.

• Help them put a care plan in place so you’re not left guessing.

✅ Practice small caregiving acts now.

• Check in on a friend regularly, bring meals, or attend a doctor’s appointment with them.

• Get comfortable with the role in small ways before it becomes a major responsibility.

When we treat caregiving as something that only happens to us, we’re left unprepared. But when we choose to engage with it intentionally, we create better experiences for everyone involved. Preparing in advance isn’t just a kindness to your loved one—it’s an act of love for yourself, too.

Preventing Caregiver Burnout Before It Starts

Even with preparation, caregiving is hard. The last thing your loved one wants is for you to burn yourself out taking care of them. That’s why your well-being has to be part of the plan.

Here’s how to keep caregiving sustainable:

🔹 Build a network of support.

• You can’t do it alone. Involve family, friends, and professionals early.

• Set up clear expectations about who is responsible for what.

🔹 Take care of yourself like it’s your job.

• Get your bloodwork done. Move your body. Eat well. Sleep.

• Laugh. Cry. Feel all of it.

🔹 Set boundaries before you need them.

• Be honest about what you’re willing to do.

• If hands-on care isn’t for you, there are still ways to support your loved one (coordinating care, managing finances, organizing legacy projects).

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to caregiving. But if you don’t think about your limits now, someone else will set them for you later.

The best way

to be a good caregiver

is to make sure you don’t

disappear in the process.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Caregiving is an enormous responsibility, but you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. Preparing ahead of time gives you the power to care for your loved one in a way that feels sustainable—not overwhelming. It allows you to show up with love instead of resentment, with confidence instead of fear.

Whether you’re just starting to think about your role or you’re already deep in the process, I hope this post inspires you to start some conversations—whether with your loved ones directly or with me.

Distanced Grieving

Let’s be real. Our Covid-19 numbers are the worst they’ve been all year as of this writing. To be frank, even for those of us who are taking the most precautions, we need to prepare to lose someone in our circle in the coming months, if we haven’t already.

Now is the time to make a plan.

Don’t expect someone who has experienced a loss to tell you how to support them.

They’re too busy in their own world of grief and cleaning up affairs and such to necessarily tell you what they need. They just need the things.

They may be distanced from you, but unless they’ve clearly and intentionally cut you out of their life, you can still make contact and help.

Help with ordinary things. The traditional help is still relevant for a reason. Write a heartfelt letter or send a card. Send them ready-to-heat or ready-to-eat food. Offer to meet up with them for a walk. Venmo them some cash for a coffee or other kind of treat or whatever it is they need.

Get your team of support on board now so everyone knows to check in.

Your relationships this year and especially in time of crises are likely to change. They just will. And we can’t fault anyone for that. These are unprecedented times and we have to give ourselves and others grace. Our capacity for relationships is just… lower. But! Knowing we have support from people, even if we can’t dedicate ourselves to nurturing that relationship or friendship like we want to, can be so comforting.

Get in touch with the people you care about who you think might be able to check in with you and be willing to support you, and have you support them. Talk about collective grief over the pandemic and how the events of the year have affected your lives. Get in tune now so that when/if tragedy strikes, you’ll each know where the other stands and you can be better support, even from a distance.

You can’t fix or erase the pain so don’t try.

Being present with the truth of it helps remove shame of hard feelings. Seriously, there is so, so much guilt and shame around tough feelings and especially grief. BREAK THAT WALL. This is all REAL and it can’t be healthfully swept under a rug. Be real with yourself and with others, and be someone your people can come to and know they are safe expressing the hardest parts of processing. We all go through it at some point. In this way we are all on equal playing fields.

It’s hard. Say it’s hard.

Check in regularly, even if you have to set a reminder to do so.

I set reminders to check in with friends and have ZERO shame about it. Our day-to-day lives can take over and a week or a month goes by and we realize we haven’t spoken to one of our favorite people, someone we know we wanted to stay in touch with. And then the guilt and awkwardness of trying to say, “I forgot about you because I got lifed.” gets overwhelming and we wait even longer to reach out.

Here’s the thing: A simple “thinking of you” text that doesn’t require a response can be a lifeline.

Ask the right questions and don’t turn away when things get tough.

“What’s the hardest part?”

“How are you taking care of yourself?”

Practice active listening and just HEAR what your friend has to say. Don’t jump in at every pause. Give them space to breathe, to think. Give yourself time to take it in and imagine how they’re feeling. Reflect back to them what you hear and affirm that feeling however they’re feeling is okay. Don’t tell them they’re wrong or need to feel a different way. It’s all PART OF IT.

One of the most devastating feelings can be to open up to someone and have them cringe, turn away, or walk away when the ugly or scary insides of an emotion get cracked open. It’s happened to me and my first instinct reaction is to close back up REAL TIGHT and be a lot more discerning about what I share. While that’s protective of me, it robs my loved ones from knowing how I really feel and being able to help me. So, as a loved one, do your very best to just meet people where they are. You have hard parts, too, and what you’re really uncomfortable about might just be your own reaction, not theirs. Respond accordingly.

Make a plan for joy.

Don’t let sorrow take over. It’s easy to let it. But you need balance. Share happy memories or make favorite meals.

Decorate a memory board or create a special memory box to flex your creativity and process grief in an alternative away.

Do what’s healthy and feels good.

Dance. Sing. Create. Live a life your lost loved one would have wanted for you. Or if there was animosity, live freely knowing they’re no longer here to pressure you otherwise.

Get Outside Support.

Familiarize yourself with the Death Cafe site — Death Cafes are place where people can talk about all aspects of death, dying, and living. They are not grief counseling groups but rather participant-lead free discussions. Each session is unique and goes in the direction of the people in attendance. Much can be learned and shared.

Many community and faith-based grief counseling groups have gone virtual — find those for your community or find one online you would like to attend and bookmark it for you or others. Having those resources available BEFORE you need them will make the decision of attending much easier when the time comes.

And, if you feel it necessary, enter into counseling or a relationship with a professional grief counselor. These relationships can be brief or ongoing, but can really be a lifeline for those struggling particularly hard after a loss. Many free resources are available and many therapists, psychologists, and counselors have adapted their practices for virtual meetings.

Lastly, understand these truths:

There is no timeline for grief.

There is no set way to grieve.

People will say stupid things, but everyone is trying their best.

xo, Madison