Embracing Uncertainty: The Key to Embracing Life

The Illusion of Control

We like to believe we’re in control. We make plans, set goals, and structure our lives around the expectation that things will unfold the way we anticipate. And yet, as I’ve learned—from both my work as a death doula and my own life—control is fleeting. If we hold onto it too tightly, life has a way of blindsiding us. But rather than fearing uncertainty, what if we embraced it as an essential part of living?

“As soon as you think you’re in control of this game, blindsided.”

This lesson from Survivor (I’ve recently been making my way through all 47 seasons, which I’ve never seen before!) holds true in life as well: we are always in flux. The more we embrace that, the more fully we can live.

Blindsided: When The World Changed Overnight

In 2020, I had a plan. I was ready to launch into a new life—travel, a job abroad, financial stability. I was living in Colorado, working at a recreational resort and not responsible for anyone but myself. I was making decent money, I was coming into myself by leaving my home state, going on my own, and forging into a plan I’d never seen anyone I know do before. I thought I was ready for my uncertain future. And then, in the span of days, everything fell apart. A pandemic swept in, my job disappeared, my housing vanished, and I was left scrambling.

I moved in with someone I barely knew. (This turned out to be the decision that gave me the most confidence. The most wild thing to do but one of the best decisions through this wild ride.) I survived off of unemployment. I made choices that, in hindsight, feel surreal. And yet, looking back, I can see how all of it was necessary for my growth.

I learned that I can survive anything. I can adapt without losing myself. I can stay true to who I am, even when everything around me is shifting.

But more than that, I learned a truth I had long resisted: I am never truly in control, and that’s okay.

The Transformative Power of Uncertainty

At its core, uncertainty is what makes life alive. If everything were predictable, there would be no growth, no transformation, no real experiences of becoming.

I see this all the time in this role as a death worker. People try to fight against the inevitable, the loss, the grief. They fear death because it is unknowable. But the truth is, everything is unknowable. Even our next breath is uncertain.

So how do we live with that? How do we make peace with the fact that we don’t know how long we have, how things will turn out, or what is coming next?

We prepare for life by living it now.

• Instead of fearing death, we can focus on making our time meaningful.

• Instead of waiting for certainty, we can take action in the present moment.

• Instead of clinging to a fixed identity, we can allow ourselves to evolve.

The more we resist uncertainty, the more we suffer. But when we lean into it, we open ourselves to possibility.

Reframing Stability: What Does It Really Mean?

For most of my life, I thought stability meant certainty. It meant knowing what to expect, having solid plans, feeling like the ground beneath me wouldn’t shift.

But after losing my grandparents in my early twenties—my foundation—I realized stability is something different. Stability isn’t about controlling outcomes. It’s about being grounded in myself, no matter what happens.

For me, stability now means:
✅ Knowing I can regulate myself through routine and self-care.
✅ Trusting in my ability to navigate change.
✅ Being flexible enough to adapt when life shifts.

It doesn’t mean life will never feel chaotic. It just means I know how to hold steady in the storm.

The Beginner’s Mind: Leaning Into Growth

One of the hardest parts of embracing uncertainty is allowing ourselves to be beginners—to do things that feel difficult, uncomfortable, or unfamiliar.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of this through:

• Starting a new job after years of being self- and fun-employed.

• Learning how to navigate relationships in ways I never had to before.

• Redefining myself among an ever-increasingly harsh world.

At first, these things felt overwhelming. But every time I’ve allowed myself to lean into the discomfort, I’ve grown.

I’ve learned that resisting struggle doesn’t prevent it—it just prolongs it. The sooner I allow myself to be in the experience fully, the sooner I integrate it.

What Would It Look Like to Fully Embrace Uncertainty?

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that uncertainty isn’t something to be feared. It’s something to be lived.

Rather than asking, How can I control my life? I ask, How can I live my life more fully, knowing nothing is guaranteed?

Rather than fearing loss, I embrace the present. Rather than fighting change, I open myself to what’s possible.

Because in the end, we are all living with uncertainty. The only question is: Are we resisting it, or are we embracing it?

Distanced Grieving

Let’s be real. Our Covid-19 numbers are the worst they’ve been all year as of this writing. To be frank, even for those of us who are taking the most precautions, we need to prepare to lose someone in our circle in the coming months, if we haven’t already.

Now is the time to make a plan.

Don’t expect someone who has experienced a loss to tell you how to support them.

They’re too busy in their own world of grief and cleaning up affairs and such to necessarily tell you what they need. They just need the things.

They may be distanced from you, but unless they’ve clearly and intentionally cut you out of their life, you can still make contact and help.

Help with ordinary things. The traditional help is still relevant for a reason. Write a heartfelt letter or send a card. Send them ready-to-heat or ready-to-eat food. Offer to meet up with them for a walk. Venmo them some cash for a coffee or other kind of treat or whatever it is they need.

Get your team of support on board now so everyone knows to check in.

Your relationships this year and especially in time of crises are likely to change. They just will. And we can’t fault anyone for that. These are unprecedented times and we have to give ourselves and others grace. Our capacity for relationships is just… lower. But! Knowing we have support from people, even if we can’t dedicate ourselves to nurturing that relationship or friendship like we want to, can be so comforting.

Get in touch with the people you care about who you think might be able to check in with you and be willing to support you, and have you support them. Talk about collective grief over the pandemic and how the events of the year have affected your lives. Get in tune now so that when/if tragedy strikes, you’ll each know where the other stands and you can be better support, even from a distance.

You can’t fix or erase the pain so don’t try.

Being present with the truth of it helps remove shame of hard feelings. Seriously, there is so, so much guilt and shame around tough feelings and especially grief. BREAK THAT WALL. This is all REAL and it can’t be healthfully swept under a rug. Be real with yourself and with others, and be someone your people can come to and know they are safe expressing the hardest parts of processing. We all go through it at some point. In this way we are all on equal playing fields.

It’s hard. Say it’s hard.

Check in regularly, even if you have to set a reminder to do so.

I set reminders to check in with friends and have ZERO shame about it. Our day-to-day lives can take over and a week or a month goes by and we realize we haven’t spoken to one of our favorite people, someone we know we wanted to stay in touch with. And then the guilt and awkwardness of trying to say, “I forgot about you because I got lifed.” gets overwhelming and we wait even longer to reach out.

Here’s the thing: A simple “thinking of you” text that doesn’t require a response can be a lifeline.

Ask the right questions and don’t turn away when things get tough.

“What’s the hardest part?”

“How are you taking care of yourself?”

Practice active listening and just HEAR what your friend has to say. Don’t jump in at every pause. Give them space to breathe, to think. Give yourself time to take it in and imagine how they’re feeling. Reflect back to them what you hear and affirm that feeling however they’re feeling is okay. Don’t tell them they’re wrong or need to feel a different way. It’s all PART OF IT.

One of the most devastating feelings can be to open up to someone and have them cringe, turn away, or walk away when the ugly or scary insides of an emotion get cracked open. It’s happened to me and my first instinct reaction is to close back up REAL TIGHT and be a lot more discerning about what I share. While that’s protective of me, it robs my loved ones from knowing how I really feel and being able to help me. So, as a loved one, do your very best to just meet people where they are. You have hard parts, too, and what you’re really uncomfortable about might just be your own reaction, not theirs. Respond accordingly.

Make a plan for joy.

Don’t let sorrow take over. It’s easy to let it. But you need balance. Share happy memories or make favorite meals.

Decorate a memory board or create a special memory box to flex your creativity and process grief in an alternative away.

Do what’s healthy and feels good.

Dance. Sing. Create. Live a life your lost loved one would have wanted for you. Or if there was animosity, live freely knowing they’re no longer here to pressure you otherwise.

Get Outside Support.

Familiarize yourself with the Death Cafe site — Death Cafes are place where people can talk about all aspects of death, dying, and living. They are not grief counseling groups but rather participant-lead free discussions. Each session is unique and goes in the direction of the people in attendance. Much can be learned and shared.

Many community and faith-based grief counseling groups have gone virtual — find those for your community or find one online you would like to attend and bookmark it for you or others. Having those resources available BEFORE you need them will make the decision of attending much easier when the time comes.

And, if you feel it necessary, enter into counseling or a relationship with a professional grief counselor. These relationships can be brief or ongoing, but can really be a lifeline for those struggling particularly hard after a loss. Many free resources are available and many therapists, psychologists, and counselors have adapted their practices for virtual meetings.

Lastly, understand these truths:

There is no timeline for grief.

There is no set way to grieve.

People will say stupid things, but everyone is trying their best.

xo, Madison