Journal
Messy Life, Messy Death?
tldr: Work on fully accepting yourself as you are and develop compassion for others in order to approach death without fear of embarrassment.
What if I die and my house is still a mess?
I think about this all the time. I wonder, what will my loved ones think when they see I haven't dusted behind my toilet in weeks? Will they judge me when they see the neglected pile of clothes in the corner? What about my cluttered closets and complicated finances? All my messy and complicated life will be laid bare. For some, this will be their utmost embarrassment.
But what's embarrassment? Dictionary.com defines it as a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. What positive functions do self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness serve in our lives? Not much. Self-consciousness's undue awareness doesn't serve a purpose without a positive of functional intention, which then turns it into self-awareness or mindfulness. These can be very helpful and productive when applied with positive intention. Shame only serves to bring pain. Shame is something we often impose on others as their consequence instead of learning, communicating, and connecting. Lastly, awkwardness's focus on others or the self being difficult or hard to deal with tends to make us feel wrong for our mere existence. These feelings wrapped up in the embarrassment of your life laid bare have no place at end of life or during important life transitions.
When I speak with other millennials in the beginning stages of their proactive end of life planning, so many of them realize they haven't thought about this aspect of their planning yet -- who will come in and take out my garbage? Who will have to clean out my closet? Who will clean up my home and close all my accounts? Most skip over the inevitable potential of embarrassment in death.
They think, "I won't be here. It's not my problem anymore!"
Well, that's certainly true. That's also a conversation-ender, a connection-cutter. You and your loved ones deserve better. They deserve to know that you loved yourself and did the best you could throughout your life. You deserve to know that the people going through your things will love getting to know all about you in a new way and that they will respect your wishes and memory through the process.
So what can we do with this embarrassment? How can we prevent this horror or people seeing us for who we really are?
Take a moment to breathe a little.
You can feel where this is going, can't you?
There is no amount of preparing, cleaning, organizing, or performing you can do to get rid of your fear of embarrassment. You will have to learn to be okay with yourself, as you are, right now.
Now, what do we do with this? How do we accomplish confidence and peace at end of life?
This is where I remind you that preparing for end of life IS WHAT LIVING IS. If you want to have a "good death," you need to be an active participant in your current life. Whether you end up on your deathbed in a long-term hospice, on your family farm, in a hospital, on the side of a road, or in a war-torn country, it is still possible for you to have peace of mind. That peace of mind can come from basic preparations and conversations with your loved ones. It can also come from work on acceptance of yourself and compassion for others.
My wish for you is that you approach your everyday life and tasks with intention, that you learn to fully accept yourself for who you are in each moment, and that your compassion for yourself and others grows every day.
As for the techniques to accomplish this? This will look different for everyone. If you want to approach this work with the scope of your life in mind, you can hire a death worker like me, a mortality companion, to walk you through a Life Review to understand your values and how you’re living them out, day-to-day.
Coping with the Death of a Loved One as a Highly Sensitive Person
I bet you’re very well-versed in self-help and psychoanalytic lingo. You’ve done a lot of work on yourself and you know so many techniques to help people when they’re down. But do you do it consistently for yourself? Laughable, I know. This gets even more complicated and cumbersome when we experience the death of a loved one.
How do you even begin to cope? Think of what you do for other people when they’re going through a hard time. The person you’re serving this time is your most sensitive, vulnerable self, banging on the doors of your heart to be let out for some space because it feels shattered. You don’t need to push that part of you down or away, make it smaller, or call it wrong. What you need to do instead, is assure it that there will be time for all of it.
Then, it’s your job to keep that promise to yourself! That’s how you begin to trust yourself in this new world without your loved one. Plan for the time you need to grieve, however you need it.
So, here’s the nitty gritty of coping with the death of a loved one when you’re a highly sensitive person:
Honor your sensory triggers and needs.
First thing’s first: Be gentle with yourself.
Do what helps when you’re overstimulated and understimulated.
Notice the signs that indicate your sensory triggers might be nearby or soon, and prepare accordingly.
This work is lifelong and worth it! If you are reading this in preparation, take this as your sign to get to work on this task.
Do what it takes to make sure you’re able to get a reasonable amount of sleep, food, water, and cleanliness.
These basic needs are the foundation necessary for integration of your experiences after big life transitions.
Move your body out of emergency mode by meeting your basic physical needs, then you can more openly, courageously, and intentionally care for your mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.
Be creative.
Explore what life and death mean to you. Trust your heart throughout the process.
What CAN you do? The possibilities are endless. Some ideas include: light a candle and pray or meditate, go on a vacation, do genealogy research, start a foundation or non-profit in their honor, make art, write, host a ritual, have difficult conversations, clean out the house, and so much more. As you continue this practice of honoring your grief while coping with the death of a loved one, that part that felt so vulnerable will grow to become stronger. You will regain your footing and become more confident in your expressions of life and love and experience.
This part of the process is more significant for highly sensitive people. We move emotions through our bodies, brains, and spirits differently. Sometimes we need to make our own paths. This is when you do that.
Lean on your support system.
Whether it’s your other loved ones, companies you hire, or a tool you use, there is no shame in needing help. None of the other points made above are easy without a support system.
This is the main point, y’all! I recommend your own village or the means to create one around you quickly, with people who insist on honoring your experience and validating your needs.
With knowledge of your sensory and basic needs, identify the people, companies, and tools you’ll likely need to engage with during times of high stress. Communicate with the people you plan to look to, and test out relationships with the companies you’re interested and the tools you may use. For example, the next time you’re sick, instead of being miserable alone, call the friend who said would be there for you, and ask them to pick up your medicine or watch a movie with you online. This can help you understand people’s boundaries in real scenarios and also help you bond more closely. Your busiest month of the year, try hiring a cleaning service or that meal delivery service you’ve been eyeing. When you need it most, you want it to be a familiar experience.
If this writing is meaningful to you, this discussion about death and dying experiences for highly sensitive people might be, as well. Consider joining me to chat about the things we’ve noticed, the things we’re thinking about, and what we’ve experienced.
Book Review: Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler
Within seconds of reading Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler, I’d gasped and slammed it shut. I was hooked.
I’d heard Butler’s series was a shockingly realistic manual for how to approach the troubles of contemporary society. They really exceeded my expectations. The zeitgeist and violence predicted by Butler is very similar to our experiences today and the kinds of American terrorism we’re dealing with now. I was so anxious to learn of unique perspectives on these same issues that I could not put the book down.
Could there possibly be a perspective somewhere out there with more hope than dread?
The books follow Lauren Oya Olamina, a young girl in 21st century California, during the political and socioeconomic unraveling of the country previously known as the United States of America. She and her cohorts experience brutality and compassion, all the while staying mindful that Change rules all. In their circumstances, only Change can be relied upon.
“God is Change,” Olamina writes. She couldn’t be more correct.
The way Butler tells the story of ordinary people caught up in the grand politicking of the powers that be is simply honest. The story unfolds so sincerely that no horror of man encountered in the story comes as a surprise.
How can they maintain their faith and communion in a world squarely focused on greed and individualism? I don’t want to give too much away.
Parable of the Sower follows Olamina on her journey of defining home for herself when very little in the world is reliable.
Parable of the Talents follows Olamina and her chosen family as they face resistance to their manifestations of home, family, and future.
Okay, that’s enough of that. I want to tell you how it moved me.
I have been moved to persistence. I see Olamina’s hardships and relate to the reasoning for her decisions. Despite horrendous decisions and circumstances, Olamina persists. Because of her hope and faith, she persists. Because there is no other choice, she persists. She has a vision and she understands how the laws of the universe will allow her to bring her vision into reality. It requires persistence; persistence through any change.
I have not yet stopped thinking about the characters and their lives, their stories, their hopes, dreams, and philosophies and remembering how much they relate to my own.
Parable of the Talents and its predecessor Parable of the Sower are essential reading.
If you’re interested in my point of view, get in touch with me on social media @madisapiens. Let’s be friends.
Engage more with my work as a Mortality Companion by exploring this website, balefirereview.com. Learn more about me by clicking here.
Pick Your Death Team: Fighter Edition
Gather ‘round, everyone, and listen up. Every adventurer must one day face death. Assembling the proper team to accompany you on your journey is of utmost importance.
One major battle many fight in the face of death is the fight to die where we want. According to a palliative care study at Stanford University, “80% of Americans would prefer to die at home, if possible. Despite this, 60% of Americans die in acute care hospitals, 20% in nursing homes, and only 20% at home.”
What makes a good Death Team fighter? Monica won this battle and honors us by sharing her story. May we all be grateful and heed her advice.
Meet: Monica Bihm
Class & Level: Fighter 10
Background: Mother of Queens, Hell Raiser
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Laughs in the face of danger. Fierce enforcer of justice. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.
Monica, set the scene for us. What was life like before this battle?
Life was normal at the time. Life was good. It was the middle of summer and everybody was having a grand old time.
You met with death when your mother died, which you’ve shared was a peaceful experience for you.
Tell us what happened in this battle and how you made it out.
My uncle was not sick before this.
Three weeks after my birthday party that summer, he called and said, “Can you bring me to the hospital? Something’s wrong.” From that phone call until the end of his funeral was 33 days.
So, here’s what happened.
He knew he was dying. In that ward of [the hospital] you could hear people getting their last rites through the walls, or family members crying, their loved ones dying at all hours of the night, or them saying the rosary at 1 AM. We knew what they were doing. I would have to try to trick him to not hear it. The environment was just horrible. Even though we all knew he had no hope, hearing it was just sad. It was horribly sad. That’s when I demanded in a very dramatic way that he’d be home with me.
I made the decision on Saturday. They tried to make me wait until Monday.
What was the reason for making you wait?
Because it was Monday, you know, it was a weekend. In all honesty, nobody gave a $#!+ enough to deal with it on the weekend, to call people in from their weekend.
Monica’s Battle Attack:
I lost my $#!+ in the hall.
I sat on the ground, in the middle of the hall, screaming that I would not shut up until they got my uncle to my house.
BE NOT AFRAID: They said, “You’re gonna get kicked out” and somebody even threatened to have me arrested.
They ended up getting my uncle home the same day because of the show.
How has your perspective changed after this hard-won battle?
I think hospitals should be in charge of healing someone. But in the end, when it’s someone dying, they need to step back.
Maybe everybody’s not cut out to do what I did. But once you’re in it, it’s like a roller coaster, you can’t stop until it pulls in.
—
We would all be so lucky to have a Fighter like Monica on our team.
Fighter Monica had some great wisdom to share with us today about persistence, standing up (or sitting down) for what’s right, and fierce love and protection. Are you the person in your death party who is willing to scream in the middle of a hospital death ward to get your loved one brought home?
If not, it’s time to find your fighter.
Building a death team is essential in preparation for being fully present in the adventure of life. How can you confidently go forth without knowing you’ve got people you can depend on to bolster any vulnerabilities?
As your Mortality Companion, I must urge you to consult with your team as soon as possible to secure your Fighter.
Podcast Transcript: Introduction - Be Discerning
Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts: https://anchor.fm/madison2892.
Transcribed using Otter.ai. Minor editing done by me. Grammar and perfect accuracy not guaranteed. Please get in touch if anything is unclear. The audio version of this episode was originally published 6 May 2021.
Hello, this is my first podcast.
This is balefire review. My name is Madison, let's get started.
Please bear with me. I'm not gonna get better one day, I'm just gonna get better every day. So hopefully things will improve. Hopefully this isn't that bad. So this is the introduction podcast for Balefire Review. This is, first of all, an introduction about me. So you can get to know me. But also, let me just tell you now what the forthcoming podcast will be about in case you're interested and don't actually care about getting to know me. So again, my name is Madison, I am a practicing death doula. I work with millennials, we talk about things around death. So that's the initial perspective of this podcast. Behind the Patreon wall, at some point, soon, I will put lots of recordings of people doing many sessions of services with me. If you become a patreon subscriber, then you will have an opportunity to do that with me for free. (**No on the Patreon, oh well) So stay tuned for all of that.
Otherwise, this public podcast will be basically me chattering on about research that I've done, my first year of research around this, that I want to share is going to be death rituals across time, space, and species. So if you're interested in that, and there are, there are other podcasts, recorded episodes published, for you to listen to of mine, then you can go on ahead straight to that. But for right now, the rest of the time, I'm going to introduce you to me. I think it is important to understand who the person is that's speaking in your ear.
When you have a relationship with a podcast, you also have a relationship with the person recording it. And so I want you to know what my perspective is, where I'm from, where I am, what I'm up to, how I deal with things, my potential biases, like all of us, so we can vibe and really be on the same page about stuff. So I made a list. I'm going to read from it. So some of it's going to really sound like I'm reading from it. Sorry. I'm trying to work on that. It's been a long time since speech and debate in high school.
First off, my name is Madison. Never Madi. That's for people who knew me when I was a kid. So sometimes Mads, Mad Dawg for being crazy. But generally Madison works just fine. I am currently based near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, which is an hour northwest of New Orleans and an hour east of Lafayette where I grew up. I am trained as a death doula, and I help people with multiple things around death. Mostly I help Millennials make sense of their lives after a significant death has occurred, transforming their grief and confusion into inspiration to live lives they love. I say all this because that is what I have done. And I like my life. Not everyone is meant to find meaning in grief. Not everyone needs to do that. But if that is something that you are interested in, that is what I am here to help you do in addition to other things, but that's my that's my bread and butter.
So I'm interested in so many things. I like historical reenactment, whole food eating, abstract expressionist art, music made with artistic intention, plants, gardening, want to grow my own food one day, right now I have a shit ton of basil because I need a shit ton of pesto. I'm addicted. I'm into crocheting, not eating pot embroidery. Now cross stitching. Okay, crocheting. That's what I do. I'm into DIY home crafting, ancient European folklore and spirituality, preserving nature, squish mallows, train travel. I've never been on a train. I'm interested in it. So if you have things to tell me about train travel, shoot me a little email. I'm interested. I enjoy cafes, ambient sound escapes, ambient-mixer.com is a gem. You are welcome.
I like candles. I like minimalism, and road trips. I'm into natural medicine, herbology, naturopathy, genealogy, open ancestry. So thinking of ancestry not just as our blood relatives, but as everyone and everything that has come before. I like elephants. I like tattoos, I have tattoos. I like the Great British Bake Off. That's one of my coping mechanisms. I like the Real Housewives I have seen every single episode of every franchise. It is my shame and my pride. I like cats, dogs and horses, no shade to the other, to the other pets. Those are just the ones that I have had. I like macrame. I like doing it? It's frustrating sometimes, but satisfying. I'm into skincare and SPF. I plan on living a very long time. Trying to take care of myself. I like cold vacations and playing in snow, all kinds of hydrotherapy. I think being basic can be fun. But I hate when something I'm doing that I think is unique, becomes the cool thing.
I am very into astrology. I will give you my personal planets and information at a later time. So my history of practice, I grew up Catholic in South Louisiana, which is very French influenced but also reverent of native and Creole practices. So it's all some of the ideals are all blended with the native peoples of the Gulf and the Caribbean and African traditions and French traditions. I had a typical American upbringing, which means that I had a single mom. We lived with my grandparents a lot of the time. So we went we were religious on the high holy days other than the time when I was at a Catholic school for elementary. I turned out all right. I enjoyed the community and tradition of Judaism in college, but I did not end up converting. And at that time, I also then started being interested in Eastern religions and philosophy but then got wrapped up in materialism and society's expectations. So I started working in public relations, marketing and advertising. Very bad decision for a mental health. I found meditation when trying to deal with anxiety. And like when I say found meditation, I mean, I found like a formal meditation group, it happened to be a Tibetan Buddhist practice group. And so now I practice that as my religion. I have a qualified teacher and have taken refuge vows. We are the Nyingma school and practice Mahayana and Vajrayana. So if you need if you want to know more about Buddhism, send me an email I'll send you the link to my group. So my Sangha, the kinds of things that we practice are The Heart Sutra, which is focused on wisdom and tonglen meditation which is focused on compassion. We try to practice bodhichitta we practice the 21 Taras and Guru Rinpoche practices. We do compassion in action and we also train in contemplative and shamatha meditation. Let's see, I also practice. I mean, I have a weird blend of world philosophy and religious practice, I think, which is actually pretty common among most people nowadays, but this is me trying to define it. So in particular, I'm interested in a lot of ancient European based paganism like Druidry and tree reverence and hedge riding, the cunning folk interested in understanding and respecting nature and time. I work a lot with the moon, to bring together the grounded Earth and airy astrology with the following practice of studying people and our nature plus the fire of inspiration creation, creativity, transformation and action. So, I blend all those things together. And that is what I ended up praying about. I am interested in learning more about Native American ideas of space and time, and working with and protecting nature and people more.
So what is the basis of a lot of my own personal philosophy? Well, that's a lot. First of all, my mother in her mid 20s, attended Erhard seminar training, known as EST. And when I was in my early 20s, I also went to the, to the same workshops, then known and has been known as Landmark Education, and now just known as Landmark. They have something called The Forum and the Advanced Course and then a Communications Curriculum. And the main things that I've taken away from that are lots of personal responsibility, which can get problematic around dealing with victims of any kind of abuse. So that's some sticky stuff right there that I have worked around. And unlearned, I guess, is the right way to say that. I also learned there, that when dealing with something difficult, there is a thing that happens. And then there's a story we make up about the thing that happens, our perspective about it, our feeling, or our thoughts about it. And none of those things are the thing that actually happened, right? So it's understanding that we have a choice in our own reaction to things, which again, is part of that personal responsibility stuff. I learned a lot about how important language is and the our use of words to create our reality, not just out loud of our mouth, but also the words we use in our head. And if you follow that, to the weird section of the library in your brain, you can get to The Secret and law of attraction, which there's no reason for this to be esoteric, it's just shifting your energy on something that is positive and what you want instead of focusing on the bad stuff. And another main thing that I learned from Landmark Education is going from, “do -> have -> be” to “be -> have -> do.” Basically, when we naturally think of stuff that we like when we think about our goals, we think that we have to do something in order to have a result and then be that kind of person who does the thing. But really what we can do is use language and our thoughts and emotions, to embody that and be that on our own. So that way, what we have to do like comes naturally, and then we can have the result that we want. So it was just a mindset shift. And I fully realized that a lot of the things that are taught in Landmark Education are tangled up weird ass versions of so many other philosophies, some legit, some very troublesome, some downright psychotic. And I've been trying to weed through that tangled mess in my brain and unlearn some things. So working on it, but that's where I'm coming from. My partner and I both pass as cis het women, but we are pansexual and love each other very much. We are also white. So we are working together through our racism and seeing color and the experiences of others more clearly. I'm have a history of feminist activism. I was a student mentor of an organization on my campus called Women Organizing Women. It was associated with NOW. And I've also done activism work around trans rights and LGBT community.
I worked with youth at the boarding school where I grew up. I have come out as pansexual as myself have a partner. And so we're both still working through gender identity and exploring our own sexual preferences, which all of that is just my business. That's my personal business. So that's that, but all that stuff is real for us and we're working every day to be better. In my early 20s, around the time of Landmark Education and things I was reading a lot of Deepak Chopra and The Secret and Eckhart Tolle and you know Like the Four Agreements and Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, so, did a lot of that and realized how opaque some of that stuff is. But then from that I've also been reading lately, more Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle. And really just a lot of like social commentary and my Tibetan religious texts, and commentaries. What else have I learned? I have a bachelor's degree in English and communications. And I'm one class away from having a double major. So technically, it's a minor in sociology, I chose not to go to grad school. I also really took to my ancient philosophy classes in college. So all that's about 10 years away, now. But here we are. Let's see some of my personal beliefs.
Thank you for bearing with me, I know that some of this feels weird, like I'm reading it. I'm, I'm not a fan of it. But uh, thank you for listening. If you're listening.
I have an ancestor altar, I do a lot of intention work, cleansing and protecting. In my physical space, and in my mental emotional space. I value friendship a lot. I have a very dedicated group of friends. Chosen family is very important to me. And it's very important to me that people be intellectually curious. Not just people who I surround myself with, but the world population in general, if you're not intellectually curious, I feel very sorry for you. So sorry, there's so much to know and explore.
Why do I want to do a podcast? That's a question I should answer. Right. Clearly, I have a lot to say. I mean, right now I'm just talking about myself, which everyone likes to do. Kind of right? I don't know. But I want to talk about things that are not necessarily perfectly in line with what I offer as a service as a death doula. I love researching and learning about the world. And I want to play show and tell and share my findings with other people. So that's what that's what this is, and I can do it. So I'm doing it. So if you're on this ride with me, thank you if you don't like it, but let's see if you're into these things. I'm just going to list them off. And you'll know what I'm talking about.
So personality tests. All right. Astrology. My sun is an Aries. My rising is in Gemini. My moon is in cancer. My Mercury is in Aries and my Venus is in Aries. And my Mars is in Gemini. My north node is in Pisces in the 10th house. Okay, so that's that. I'm an Enneagram seven. And I'm an INFJ. So Carl Jung can suck it. What else?
Oh, this is a fun one to talk about. What has the Coronavirus looked like for me? What does the pit of this pandemic look like for me? Well, it kind of started when I quit my corporate job. October 2019. Actually, I quit it in August or late July 2019. And I got a job at a resort, a seasonal job in the mountains in October 2019. Everything was awesome. I wintered in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. It was great. And then the pandemic happened and I was homeless because our housing was connected to our employment. So that was great. But I made some good friends and got rescued. Sheltered in Denver for a few months, then moved home to be with my people. I struggled a bunch. I homeschooled and walked the dogs and saved up on my own employment to get by through the year and then I started this business and in January As of 2021, I met the love of my life, my partner, I manifested her, and I manifested this whole life for myself that I'm currently creating. And it feels really good. Like I wished for all of these things. And I tell her every night, but she's just my dream come true. So take a minute. So right now, I am doing side things, working on making this balefire review into my full time commitment. My partner has two boys, which we have half the time, we are still merging lives, there are two cats, I'm trying to keep myself alive and all of us alive and happy and healthy. So things are just gonna happen when they happen. So let's see.
What else do I have here listed, where I stand on important issues. For me, recycling and environmental awareness is important. I think it's important for people to contribute to the community that they live in. Right? We are one in billions, but we can make a difference as an individual for the people around us. And also, the other side of that is we're just another person doesn't really care. So kind of do what you want, just leave things better than you found them. It's basically how I feel about living in the world right now. I think it's important to practice generosity, and gratitude and curiosity. It's important to approach life as a beginner to be kind to speak slower. Definitely working on that one. I think it's important to be more patient with ourselves and others. I think kids are adults for longer than they’re kids. And so we have to let them be kids and be themselves but still raise them knowing that you're helping people turn into adults. And yes, I totally got that from my partner because she's an amazing mom.
Three things I am not. I am not a Certified Legal Professional. I am not a certified medical professional. And I am not a therapist.
Okay. I am passionate. I am a beginner. I am a pansexual woman. I am curious. I am adventurous. And I encourage risk taking.
Let's see what have I studied formally. So like I said, I have an English degree, a minor in sociology. In college, I was actually trained, and did administer oral HIV tests and provide the results to people. So that was a very intense training and experience. I've done my Doula training with an elder and soon plan to pursue further apprenticeships and mentorships within this field.
Let's see what I'm actually doing right now. And like things that I'm actively researching beyond all those other things that I'm interested in and figuring out where I'm trying to create a pattern, a crochet pattern for a mourning cardigan, with proceeds to potentially serve as a scholarship for bipoc who want education and death work. I want to crochet something that I can sell, and also serve others with. We'll see how it goes. It's been swimming around in my brain for quite a while now. So hopefully I can get my shit together to do some pre orders in the fall.
So along with that, I'm also researching a lot of folklore, and history around fiber arts and knot magic, like fiber arts magic, knot magic, cunning folk, traditions and things like that.
And lastly, a thing that I find myself even telling some of my closest friends often is to check the receipts, check your sources, be more discerning about the people and ideas that you let into your life. There's something I told my parents forever because I was yelling at them for watching Fox News. I said Yeah, it's fun scenarios but also like, if you were watching CNN or MSNBC, I would be saying the same thing. Listening to people screaming at you and trying to tell you negative things. 24/7 is exhausting to your soul. So, be discerning about the things that you allow in your life. Be discerning about the things that you're looking at every day. Be discerning about the ideas you listen to, the books you read, the people that you surround yourself with, okay? Some people may have the best of intentions. But if it comes from a source that is nefarious, you know, then what good is that really serving you? It's just important, especially when thinking about energies and transference of energy between people and ideas that we are discerning before we invite that into our psyche. Right?
So full circle there. That is why I'm sharing all the stuff about me. So if there's something about me that doesn't vibe with you, and your own personal philosophy, then have a great life. No shade. We just we don't vibe. That's okay. Okay. You're not for me. I'm not for you. It's all good. So with that, I'm going to end this. This is long enough. I'm actually really tired of talking about myself, essentially, to myself right now. So thanks for listening. And hopefully, we'll chat soon. Reach out to me on social media, let me know that you listened. Or you can send me an email. Let me know if you have any ideas, preferences, questions, concerns. Callouts. lay it all out. Thanks, guys.
And I have been on a train. It was in Scotland for four hours. I loved it, but I want to do more of it. So yeah.
death is everywhere
so, I notice death references everywhere. this isn’t just because i’m a death doula. death companion? I like companion better. reminds me of doctor who. death companion, eh?
anyway, it’s not just because i’m a death companion that I notice death references everywhere. and it’s also not just because I have for the better part of a decade studied the mahayana and vajrayana tibetan buddhism in the nyingma tradition. we talk about death as one of the most important parts of our life, often. we learn that life is preparation for death. we learn not to fear death and thus not to fear life.
anyway, it’s not about that, either.
I notice death references everywhere because THEY ACTUALLY ARE EVERYWHERE. it’s all anyone is ever talking about. even procreation. you’d think it’d be the denial, but no. it’s more of an acceptance. by procreating you must accept that one day you will die and you will live on in the memories of the people you leave behind and the impacts you make in them and the community where you live. life and death, life and death, it’s cyclical. you know that already. yes, you really do.
much of the dharma is referred to as remembering. practicing the dharma is remembering to practice the dharma. saying the prayers is remembering to say the prayers. experiencing loving kindness and compassion is remembering loving kindness and compassion. knowing timeless awareness is remembering timeless awareness.
living is remembering. you already know. you knew how to be born. you will know how to die. and you thought it was the end of your world as you knew it before you were born. and here you are. what’s next? it’ll seem like the end of your world as you know it, and it will be. but there you will be. and just like here, a cycle.
or it’s all bullshit and you drift into stardust.
don’t you see it? everything we do is in the glory of living. because we know that one day it will end.
here I am, a kid behind a screen, encouraging you to be mindful with your life choices and know you already are doing amazing.
xo
Death Work for Pets
Grief is grief. Loss is loss. Life is life. All life is sacred. We can honor your relationship with your pets and their place in your life.
Can I hire a death worker to help with a pet’s death?
OMG ABSOLUTELY YES.
Not every death worker is super well-versed in needs for all kinds of pets, so ask the people you’re interested in working with if they’re open to it. I, for one, am not well-practiced in assisting others closely through pet death as a death worker, but have been through many myself and supported friends. I would LOVE to help others through these special transitions.
What can a death worker even do to help with a pet death?
Assess basic needs and help you find any comfort adjustments for your pet. Sometimes we can get so used to our routine in our homes with our families that we’re not aware of things that can be adjusted with minimal effort for a HUGE effect.
Call around and talk to vets or pet cremation facilities to manage your pet’s healthcare and aftercare needs. Sometimes you may want or need a second opinion or you can even find a vet who will come to your home for the final procedure.
Help you manage other daily tasks so you can spend quality time with your pet.
Gather ritual materials and set a sacred space for any memorials or rituals.
Help plan a last a great day in a way that is not stressful for your pet.
Help you document your gratitudes, special moments, and any other thoughts during this transition that can so often get swept away with time.
Help you collect and organize all your tangible memories to keep safe.
Help you decide on a remembrance project — a special fire hydrant? A special blanket? A special treat? A bench at the park? It all depends on the personality of your pet.
Remind you that your feelings are valid and honor your relationship with your pet and their place in your life.
Anything we do for those human clients, we can help you for your pets. All life is sacred.
Do I have to wait until my pet is sick?
NO!
Please don’t wait until your pet is sick. One session with a death worker can help you understand how many more choices you truly have in honoring the sacredness of your pet’s life.
Get started now and as your pets age, you can make sure you have the proper arrangements and decisions made for when the time comes.
It will come. No one lives forever. Let’s do this in a way that honors them. Your pets are not an afterthought. They are your family.
When can you start hospice care?
I know that hospice can be a big topic, especially for those working with the terminally ill, so I tried to keep things simple and informative by sharing some information for the Hospice Foundation of America (USA).
I first shared this over on Instagram and got a few really nice comments from fellow death workers. Basically, literacy on this subject is important for the general public! Seriously! In the US, most people who experience non-accidental death will experience hospice as the “end of the road” as they approach their death. Every single person I have known that’s died from prolonged illness has worked with hospice in some way. It’s important to know what all of it actually is and what it means for you so you can mindfully decide if you actually want to engage hospice.
Hell, you might opt instead to leave medical care to die at home, with cannabis for your pain and anxiety and a psilocybin trip to help you find deeper meaning as you take your last breaths. Things in the death world are changing, y’all!
Regardless of your opinions on hospice — whether it’s overinflated misuse of Medicare or a wonderfully supportive and collaborative gift of a service, it’s important to educate yourself and those around you. Please take the time to learn about this before the decisions are thrust upon you in crisis.
When is it time for hospice?
Deciding when it’s time for hospice is difficult and should be discussed with loved ones and a physician. It is generally time for hospice when:
the patient has 6 months or less to live, according to a physician.
the patient is rapidly declining despite medical treatment (weight loss, mental status decline, inability to perform activities of daily living).
the patient is ready to live more comfortably and forego treatments aimed at prolonging life.
Hospice is:
medical care to help someone with a terminal illness live as well as possible for as long as possible, increasing quality of life.
an interdisciplinary team of professionals who address physical, psychosocial, and spiritual distress focused on both the dying person and their entire family.
care that addresses symptom management, coordination of care, communication and decision making, clarification of goals of care, and quality of life.
List of Services:
The vast majority os hospices follow Medicare requirements to provide the following, as necessary, to manage the illness for which someone receives hospice care:
time and services of the care team, including visits to the patient’s location by the hospice physician, nurse, medical social workers, home-health aide, and chaplain/spiritual adviser.
medication for symptom control or pain relief.
medical equipment like wheelchairs or walkers and medical supplies like bandages and catheters.
physical and occupational therapy.
speech-language pathology services.
dietary counseling
any other medicare-covered services needed to manage pain and other symptoms related to the terminal illness, as recommended by the hospice team.
short-term inpatient care (e.g. when adequate pain and symptom management cannot be achieved in the home setting)
short-term respite care (e.g. temporary relief from caregiving to avoid or address “caregiver burnout”)
grief and loss counseling for patient and loved ones.
Facing tough decisions near the end of life
When determining if hospice is the right decision, these questions will guide the conversation. Do you/your loved one want:
artificial nutrition and hydration (whether or not to have a feeding tube or intravenous fluids)?
cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) (whether or not to restart the heart if it stops beating)?
mechanical ventilation (intubation) (whether or not to use a breathing machine to breathe for a person whose lungs have stopped working)?
to discontinue treatment aimed at curing the disease in order to pursue comfort care?
Brainstorming, igniting intention
I want my clients’ inner light, their inherent motivation to be and share in enthusiastic joy and compassion, to radiate from them and positively influence everyone they encounter.
Brainstorming 🧠✨🔥
About the kind of person I want to be, to live into. About the kinds of people I want to call to me in my personal life and in my business. This is what I want for everyone I work with.
I want to be surrounded by people who are ready to have a say in the impact of their lives. I want to cultivate a community of people who are actively choosing their direction and inspiring others to compassion, generosity, and abundant love through their actions. I want my clients’ inner light, their inherent motivation to be and share in enthusiastic joy and compassion, to radiate from them and positively influence everyone they encounter.
Preparing for your death isn’t all doom and gloom, y’all!!! It’s breathing into that realness, that realization that your time is finite, and IGNITING 🔥 to not waste one single moment of it.
I had an interesting conversation on Instagram yesterday that had me thinking deeply about dealing with death anxiety and the pressure of “living every day like it’s our last.” We talked a lot more than I’m sharing here but here is a key exchange:
They said: I guess I just have a hard time grappling with the fact that it’s so unpredictable. I know I “should” live every day like it’s my last but that puts so much pressure on me and scares me into thinking that I’m not doing “enough” or that I’m wasting my life away on days when I’m sad or frustrated or tired.
I replied: There is a balance, somewhere between the grasping it-could-happen-at-any-second and the releasing of ahhh okay breathe, it could happen at any second and I am at peace with that. That comes with reflection on your own values, what’s important to you, deciding how you want to impact the world. Everyone has something to give and contribute.
What I help people do in life reviews is figure out their real values - what’s important to you for the time you do have. So that whatever comes each day, you can make decisions rooted in what’s really important instead of reacting and floating through life. Reacting and floating is survival and crucial and sometimes all we can do. But when we can have a say, take it and run with it. ✨🔥
I want you to have a say.
PRESS: Featured in the Acadiana Advocate
The “Be You” Column by Aileen Bennett is iconic in my little corner of the world and I’m honored to have a chance to answer these questions and be featured in the Acadiana Advocate, a very well respected news publication in the area.
Everyone who is featured answers the same questions, sharing bits of their personality and character throughout.
Distanced Grieving
Now is the time to make a plan.
Let’s be real. Our Covid-19 numbers are the worst they’ve been all year as of this writing. To be frank, even for those of us who are taking the most precautions, we need to prepare to lose someone in our circle in the coming months, if we haven’t already.
Now is the time to make a plan.
Don’t expect someone who has experienced a loss to tell you how to support them.
They’re too busy in their own world of grief and cleaning up affairs and such to necessarily tell you what they need. They just need the things.
They may be distanced from you, but unless they’ve clearly and intentionally cut you out of their life, you can still make contact and help.
Help with ordinary things. The traditional help is still relevant for a reason. Write a heartfelt letter or send a card. Send them ready-to-heat or ready-to-eat food. Offer to meet up with them for a walk. Venmo them some cash for a coffee or other kind of treat or whatever it is they need.
Get your team of support on board now so everyone knows to check in.
Your relationships this year and especially in time of crises are likely to change. They just will. And we can’t fault anyone for that. These are unprecedented times and we have to give ourselves and others grace. Our capacity for relationships is just… lower. But! Knowing we have support from people, even if we can’t dedicate ourselves to nurturing that relationship or friendship like we want to, can be so comforting.
Get in touch with the people you care about who you think might be able to check in with you and be willing to support you, and have you support them. Talk about collective grief over the pandemic and how the events of the year have affected your lives. Get in tune now so that when/if tragedy strikes, you’ll each know where the other stands and you can be better support, even from a distance.
You can’t fix or erase the pain so don’t try.
Being present with the truth of it helps remove shame of hard feelings. Seriously, there is so, so much guilt and shame around tough feelings and especially grief. BREAK THAT WALL. This is all REAL and it can’t be healthfully swept under a rug. Be real with yourself and with others, and be someone your people can come to and know they are safe expressing the hardest parts of processing. We all go through it at some point. In this way we are all on equal playing fields.
It’s hard. Say it’s hard.
Check in regularly, even if you have to set a reminder to do so.
I set reminders to check in with friends and have ZERO shame about it. Our day-to-day lives can take over and a week or a month goes by and we realize we haven’t spoken to one of our favorite people, someone we know we wanted to stay in touch with. And then the guilt and awkwardness of trying to say, “I forgot about you because I got lifed.” gets overwhelming and we wait even longer to reach out.
Here’s the thing: A simple “thinking of you” text that doesn’t require a response can be a lifeline.
Ask the right questions and don’t turn away when things get tough.
“What’s the hardest part?”
“How are you taking care of yourself?”
Practice active listening and just HEAR what your friend has to say. Don’t jump in at every pause. Give them space to breathe, to think. Give yourself time to take it in and imagine how they’re feeling. Reflect back to them what you hear and affirm that feeling however they’re feeling is okay. Don’t tell them they’re wrong or need to feel a different way. It’s all PART OF IT.
One of the most devastating feelings can be to open up to someone and have them cringe, turn away, or walk away when the ugly or scary insides of an emotion get cracked open. It’s happened to me and my first instinct reaction is to close back up REAL TIGHT and be a lot more discerning about what I share. While that’s protective of me, it robs my loved ones from knowing how I really feel and being able to help me. So, as a loved one, do your very best to just meet people where they are. You have hard parts, too, and what you’re really uncomfortable about might just be your own reaction, not theirs. Respond accordingly.
Make a plan for joy.
Don’t let sorrow take over. It’s easy to let it. But you need balance. Share happy memories or make favorite meals.
Decorate a memory board or create a special memory box to flex your creativity and process grief in an alternative away.
Do what’s healthy and feels good.
Dance. Sing. Create. Live a life your lost loved one would have wanted for you. Or if there was animosity, live freely knowing they’re no longer here to pressure you otherwise.
Get Outside Support.
Familiarize yourself with the Death Cafe site — Death Cafes are place where people can talk about all aspects of death, dying, and living. They are not grief counseling groups but rather participant-lead free discussions. Each session is unique and goes in the direction of the people in attendance. Much can be learned and shared.
Many community and faith-based grief counseling groups have gone virtual — find those for your community or find one online you would like to attend and bookmark it for you or others. Having those resources available BEFORE you need them will make the decision of attending much easier when the time comes.
And, if you feel it necessary, enter into counseling or a relationship with a professional grief counselor. These relationships can be brief or ongoing, but can really be a lifeline for those struggling particularly hard after a loss. Many free resources are available and many therapists, psychologists, and counselors have adapted their practices for virtual meetings.
Lastly, understand these truths:
There is no timeline for grief.
There is no set way to grieve.
People will say stupid things, but everyone is trying their best.
xo, Madison
Why You Should Review Your Life
I studied ancient philosophy my freshmen year of undergrad and so much of it has stuck with me. In particular, this phrase is spouted by so, so many, but I wonder often how many people who mention it really internalize the wisdom held within this phrase.
To be sure, this phrase was mentioned when Socrates was on trial and chose death over being exiled in a situation that would prevent him from continuing his intellectual pursuits, as pursuing intellect and wisdom through is philosophical method of logic was of highest importance in his life.
So. Knowing that, how can we apply this phrase and philosophy to our own life? I’ve seen many people apply it in such a way that continued self-examination, therapy, deep work is necessary to live their lives. I believe this is admirable, but a little beside the point. I believe the point is that we should first know what our passion is, our purpose for living, the thing that lights us up, and then live into THAT. I believe that floating through life without direction, intention, or positive motivation is akin to already being dead.
THAT is why I think it’s important to review our lives. I don’t think you need to spend every waking moment trying to figure out what’s wrong with you, what you need to fix, pouring over the past and painstakingly analyzing what the future could bring. I’ve tried that. Trust me, it’s exhausting and only produces anxiety and guilt in the end. At least, that was my experience.
I think you should review your life in a way that you can understand your values and go forward in a meaningful-to-you way. Everyone’s passions, purposes and values are different and so how everyone makes decisions about their lives and their experiences is different. That’s why I don’t work in a set formula and why I set my sessions to last between one and two hours with clients. Some people need the full two hours to think things out, to hear different perspectives, and bounce ideas back and forth. Some people do better thinking on their own (like me) and like to be sparked for inspiration in sessions and then come back to the next one to share discoveries and learn how to take their own work further.
So really why do I think you should review your life? Definitely because I don’t want you floating around already practically dead. But also because
I want you to feel a sense of purpose.
I want gratitude to come easily to you. I want you to feel present and open and aware of your precious existence each day and intentionally create your beautiful life into something that leaves your little corner of the world better than it was when you came into it. I want you to be real about your wisdom and what it is that you lack and be compassionate with others, knowing they’re just doing their best, too.
I want you to feel free to create and explore and love and ask and learn in the world and know that none of it is wasting your time because everything you choose is deliberate and intentional and in line with your values and the life you CHOOSE to live, not floating through and doing what you’re “supposed to do” and not just accepting what happens to you in this life.
Contact me with your thoughts or questions.
xo
You should TOTALLY plan your own memorial.
Yes, you really should plan your own memorial.
Why should you? How do you even start?
It removes the burden of planning from your loved ones’ shoulders.
You can insert your own personality into the ceremony.
You can make sure you set up nice things for your loved ones.
You can share your wishes and get peace of mind knowing it is taken care of.
Let’s get right to it and talk about what all these things mean.
Removing the Burden on Loved Ones
Planning is hard when you’re grieving.
Real talk. I’ve experienced some crappy funeral planning. For one, the door in the meeting with the funeral director had to be locked and authorities called because someone was banging on the door insisting the plans be different. Things can get weird really quickly when your plans aren’t laid out clearly. Don’t leave your loved ones vulnerable to drama.
It’s really easy to say that the memorial is for them so they can decide what they want to do, but when there are several people who love you and want to be part of the planning are grieving, disagreements can turn into bigger deals than they should be. Just trust me on this one. You want to help out your loved ones in this way. You really do.
Decide how you want your body disposed of: burial, cremation, or something else, and make arrangements for it.
So, nowadays, depending on where you live and your financial means, there are loads of different options for your body after you’ve died. While being restricted in options based on your funds sucks, that’s where we’re at. Research the options in your area (and alternative options that your body can be transported to) and you can start setting aside money for it or make sure that your life insurance plan would cover the cost of your decision.
One option you may not already know you have is that you CAN have a natural, “green” burial — you can set up your own natural cemetery if you have the land (check your local laws — it’s actually pretty easy!) or you can try to find one within a few hours — they’re typically in beautiful places like groves in forests, or hills and prairies with beautiful views.
There are also options beyond the regular cremation like having your ashes processed into solids that look and feel like stones, or having your remains transformed into soil or into a pod to plant alongside a tree. Go exploring and see all your options!
Where do you want your memorial to be?
Many memorials take place in funeral homes, simply because it’s easier. But you can always choose whatever you want! It’s just a matter of what is available at the time. Decide ahead of time if you want your memorial to be at someone’s home, at a community center, at a restaurant or bar, or even at a public park, even a destination memorial? You could absolutely set aside money for your loved ones to go away for a weekend to a destination of your choice and have them bring others in virtually for the formal memorial ceremony. So many options!
Who will be the faith leader or MC to manage the ceremony?
You may or may not want to have a traditional faith leader manage the flow of your ceremony — it’s up to you! You could have a friend do it, or hire someone professional from the community to manage the schedule of the ceremony. Either way, it’s helpful to designate someone to be the MC, host, or leader of the ceremony to make sure that everything gets done in appropriate times and the ceremony goes smoothly.
What pictures, objects, or videos do you want on display?
While, for me, it was a joy to go through my grandmother’s old albums to pick out pictures for her slideshow to be viewed on her funeral-home-created memorial page and on a TV at the memorial service, it still took up a ton of time and was awkward to manage between her children who all would be represented - everyone felt the need to give approval and look over things. For that experience, it wasn’t too bad, but I could see it being complicated for other families with more issues or strained relationships.
Additionally, setting aside things you want displayed at your memorial can mean marking pieces of artwork and choosing a particular photograph or headshot to be displayed for those in attendance. You can even choose to have a display of collected items that those in attendance can choose from to take home with them.
Make a list of people to contact.
This one is SUPER important. It can be devastating to find out a friend of yours died and you didn’t find out in time to contribute to the memorial or be in attendance at the ceremony. Make sure you have a list of names, emails, and phone numbers of the people you definitely want informed in the case of your death. You can even make a decision of who of your family or friends is comfortable making the calls not only to the rest of the family but also to the people on your list. Talk to your loved ones and they can choose this task for themselves instead of having it thrust on them.
Who will manage any potential virtual element if distance is a barrier?
So, this is a new one for most people. Distanced memorialization has become common with our current worldwide pandemic (Coronavirus in 2020) but it has always been an option for people living across the world who can’t leave to attend. Having an option for people who can’t physically attend is now more important than ever. The person you designate to manage this should be very good with technology and highly capable of sharing the information needed to those who will use it.
You can also designate a service to manage this for you, like an end-of-life doula, audio-video company, or even a virtual assistant.
Set aside funding for all the elements ahead of time.
You have several options for this. You can create a special savings account to put money into, and keep notes on how much you project each element of your ceremony to cost. Many people purchase life insurance policies that they project to cover not only their body services and their cremation/burial/funeral/memorial but also to cover the lost wages in time off and other expenses around recovering from loss. (These expenses may include additional self-care like a trip to recharge, additional therapy, and other things.)
Insert Your Personality
What kind of food do you want served?
Do you want typical party foods from a deli, or specifically your favorite meals? Do you want to make sure there are options for different dietary restrictions? If you want particular food served, make note of the recipes and talk with your loved ones to decide who will manage making it.
You can also decide who will be in charge of make sure the food is set up properly or pick up any supplies. Special coffee or tea? Certain drinks? A signature cocktail? You decide!
What kind of music do you want played or sung? Make a playlist!
It is common for people to want certain hymns or songs sung at their memorial. I’d say the most common is definitely “Amazing Grace”. Perhaps you want particular songs played during particular times of the service? Or a loop of different songs played along with a loop of your photo or video slideshow? Especially with shared playlists on Spotify, Apple Music, and other music platforms, it’s really easy to create a list of your favorite songs for your loved ones to remember you by and also to share a playlist of the songs you want played at your memorial. You can leave directions about when to play what in the notes of your playlist.
Do you want any specific poems or passages shared?
Along those same lines, many people want particular religious passages, poems, or excerpts from books read aloud at their memorial. You could also write your own message and choose the person to read it aloud. Talk to your loved ones and decide together who will read what passages. Allowing them to be part of the decision process is a great help to them, and a big comfort when it comes time for them to perform the reading during the ceremony.
Who will speak/give eulogies/share stories?
And beyond sharing pre-determined songs and passages, who do you trust to write their own speech or share about their time with you or about your life? This one is the biggest ask of these options. These moments can get particularly heavy and emotional for the speaker, depending on the person and your relationship. This is a wonderful conversation to have before the time comes — so you can know that the person sharing on your behalf will have your blessing.
Do Something Nice for Loved Ones
For donations, would you prefer flowers or plants?
I know flowers are REALLY common to donate and have delivered for funeral and memorial services. I get it, they’re beautiful. But think about it. They die. And then the family who took them home after the service gets to watch the flowers die to mark time passing since their loved one has died. I say NAHHHHH to flowers. Instead, you can (and I think you should) encourage people to purchase sustainable and easy-to-maintain plants. Lush greenery can be so beautiful and represent a celebration of life. In addition, those plants can go home with loved ones and they can take care of the plants for years in remembrance of you.
Plants that are easy to care for that I recommend:
Ivy
Pothos
Philodendron
Bamboo
Fiddle Leaf Fig
herbs, galore!
allll the succulents
ZZ (Zanzibar) Plant
“spider” plant
“snake” plant
Jade plant
Chinese evergreen
Parlor palm
Rubber Plant
Dumb Cane
Choose the funeral card design and content for guests to keep.
Funeral cards may SEEM too cheesy or traditional, but having these to keep from all my friends’ and family’s funerals has been really comforting. I can keep them in a special place and remember them fondly.
Funeral homes typically have religious images to place full size on the back, with a picture of you and a passage underneath on the other side.
So, for a basic funeral card, you need to pick the image for the back, the portrait of you, and the short passage you want included on the card. Your date of birth and your date of death with also be included on the card.
If you like you can also set aside the digital files yourself and make sure someone has access access to them so they can add the date of your death and get something custom printed.
My recommendation as to quantity is to get at least three times as many as you think you need. These funeral cards are things that people collect and I personally like to take a few, especially for people who were particularly special to me, so I can keep them in several places and have more in case they get lost. Always get more.
Choose a guestbook for people to write their names and leave notes & stories.
Funeral homes will typically provide a guestbook for your service, but if you aren’t holding your service there, you’ll need to get your own.
Guestbooks from memorial services are not only places for guests to write their names, but also a place to use as a sort of scrapbook for the event. In it, you can add the obituary, copies of the program, peoples speeches, pictures of the setup, and anything else special from the event.
Another good idea: Let people know in the invitation that they can bring written stories or pictures that they wanted added to the book, and that they must write their names on their submissions.
If you do have your own guestbook, make sure that guests write their email address, phone number, and mailing address along with their names - or some reliable way to communicate with them. Your loved ones hosting the event will want a way to send thank you notes to those in attendance, and having contact information for people who cared for you can give your grieving loved ones a list of people to call when they are missing you.
Share and Get Peace of Mind
Share this experience of planning with those close to you.
Whether you include them in the decision process or you let them know where your plans are for when the time comes, knowing that there IS a plan can give them peace of mind. They will thank you for giving them the gift of not wondering what it is you want, and for writing out the seemingly silly details of what to do. Confusion and disagreement can be particularly hard to deal with when you’re grieving. Give them this kindness of preparing ahead.
Keep your wishes written and in a safe place.
There are several ways to go about this.
You can create a shared document on several different platforms (Google Drive, Evernote, DropBox, even Apple Notes) so that any time you make a change, that change is also updated for anyone it is shared with.
You can create a special file on your computer with all the relevant documents and information — just make sure to back it up on a separate drive or email complete copies to someone you trust.
You can print out your plans and keep them your other important documents. But remember, my recommendation is to always have a backup or additional copy with someone you trust.
Just make sure it’s recorded in SOME way and dated!
This just covers the basics.
I know, it seems like a lot. It can be. But don’t let it overwhelm you. Planning this ceremony can be a beautiful process and a really, really kind gift for your loved ones after you’ve died.
I wish the people in my family who died already had pre-planned their services. Having those things decided and intentional would have made the whole experience much more special instead of our floating through numb and going through the motions with decision fatigue on top of grieving.
Will you be creating a plan for your own memorial? Head to my contact page or find me on social media and let me know! I would love to hear of any unique plans you have or what the experience of planning it has been like for you.
Do thy worst…
I choose what I value, what my priorities are, and how I spend my time.
… but not really! Let me explain.
I have the above pictured poem excerpt from John Dryden posted up in my bedroom and I contemplate it daily.
You see, I deal with anxiety. I get wrapped up in the future, in what’s left unfinished… to say the least… a LOT. So to healthfully cope with that, I’ve worked diligently to focus on my priorities, and further, make sure my priorities are what I truly value and not what I or others or society thinks I SHOULD value.
I need proper rest and to rise with true motivation in the morning, so I need to know that what I’m doing with my day is vital, is positive, is something I value. In doing this, I am able to fully claim each day as my own, knowing that when I go to bed, I’ve done my best. Now, I’m not perfect. Some things remain undone. Some things remain unsaid. That’s the ebb and flow of life. But the really vital stuff? The stuff that I can do and person I can be throughout the day to know I’ve not wasted away precious time? That’s what I focus on.
And so, with this quote, I am reminded to fully, really live each day. That I choose what I value, what my priorities are, and how I spend my time. That I may not always get it right, but I will surely try my best and each day keep going.
I wish for that for all of my clients.
xo
Take a minute to make contact.
What would you say to them, what would you want them to know if you knew you'd die soon?
Your mission today: call or text or message someone who has impacted your life positively and ask what they're up to, especially if you're out of touch. What would you say to them, what would you want them to know if you knew you'd die soon?
I don’t think I’ve personally experienced the sudden death of someone when I was in the middle of a fight with or anything, but I’ve definitely experienced what it feels like to have things left unsaid between myself and someone who has passed away. There are several people in my life, who have died, who made a great impression on me, who I wish I kept more in touch with, who I wish I had taken the time to share my honest feelings of admiration and gratitude for.
One person in particular was this guy named Ric.
He was a high school friend of my mom, living near Dallas with his family. My mom and he were friendly but didn’t stay too much in touch. That is, until they could passively like and comment in each others’ directions on Facebook. When I had a weekend self-development workshop in Dallas, I asked around who of my friends I could stay with instead of getting a hotel. My mom asked around, too, and Ric volunteered as they had plenty of space.
I drove out there and was welcomed warmly. The year was nearing Christmas and so their tree was up, and their front music room had been converted into a winter wonderland with a candlelit Christmas village complete with a looping model train. It was magical.
We spent some great time getting to know each other and he shared his favorite martini with me — which I’m now realizing is the influence on my own favorite martini, and even have it tattooed on my leg: it’s a Bombay Sapphire martini - a drop of dry vermouth swirled around the chilled glass and thrown out, the gin stirred vigorously with ice, and topped with a fresh lemon zest. Again, it’s magical.
We sipped martinis and he introduced me to my now favorite Christmas movie, The Family Stone. It’s an ensemble cast film, based on a play, that beautifully examines a complicated family and what it means to really care for others and choose to love and embrace ourselves and others, flaws and all. And ya know, I’m realizing after typing these things out how much MORE of an impact Ric had on me than I even previously thought.
You see, he was just… so.. genuine.
We became friends on Facebook leading up to my visit and he understood some of my interests enough to make me a special playlist, a CD of songs to listen to on my road trip back home. And let me tell you— that CD is flawless and so full of joy. I still keep it in my car for road trips, over a decade later.
Long story short, we had a great time and stayed in touch a little but I was still in college and he had a life, too, and we just went our separate ways. A familiar story of chance friends.
Then one day, Ric suddenly died of an aneurysm.
I wasn’t close enough with his family or anyone else in his life to warrant a six hour one-way drive for a three hour event. No one really knew how great our little friendship was and we never got a chance to expand on it. And sometimes that’s how it happens.
I panicked. I cried. I was enraged. I was full of regret. I was lost. I was confused.
I sent flowers. And cried and cried and cried.
His family was so lucky to have him. We all were.
And I wish I had given myself the opportunity to really share that sentiment with him and his family before he died.
So. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Tell people that you care, that you appreciate them.
I get it, sometimes we don’t know the impact someone leaves on us until we can look back. I don’t fault you for that. But be aware of the positive influences in your life and try to express your gratitude, your admiration, your wonder, and your awe with those people and opportunities. Trust me on this one.
Here’s a Spotify playlist of the tracks on the CD he made me. Enjoy :)